1995-09-25 - St. Marys

{This is the (more or less) entirely censored version of the script. Items in all caps were inserted immediately before the last screening; items in the format {...item...} were cut. The pregame joke had originally been the Unabomber joke, which was moved to the end after an entire segment was cut. We would reprint it here, but we intend rather to use it for the Orgo Night show coming to a Butler Library near you when exam season rolls around.}

Pregame

Ladies and Gentlemen, and Californians, back despite fires, floods, riots, earthquakes, and mud slides, it's the most plagued band in the world, the Columbia University Marching "30 million residents and nary a decent bagel in sight"[fanfare]featuring
J. Lloyd Allen, - Whiskey Sour
J. John O'Neill, - Bailey's Irish Cream
J. Renee Paradis, - a fine Bordeaux
J. EVAN JACOVER, - MANISCHEVITZ
and J. Random SEAS student - "Really, he looked 21."[fanfare]welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bulimic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleeomosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Christians will be thrown to the Lions, the score will be as high as your average Northern Californian, and the brass will play as low as San Francisco after the Big One.[who owns]RECENTLY IT SEEMS THAT THE UNDEFEATED COLUMBIA LIONS SMOTE HARVARD, LEAVING A CRIMSON STREAK AT SOLDIER'S FIELD. THOSE TWEED-WEARING PIPE-SMOKING CANDELLABRUM LIGHTING THREE-PIECE WEARING HIGH-TABLING SHERRY SIPPIN' ELITIST COUNTRY CLUB SNOBS HUNG THEIR HEADS IN SHAME AFTER THE BABY BLUE LEFT THEM IN THE DUMPSTER. THE OFFENSE KEPT ON PENETRATING, THE DEFENSE KEPT ROPING THEM IN, AND THE SPECIAL TEAMS WITH THEIR VORPAL GLOVES WENT SNICKER SNACK. THE QB KEPT SPIKING IN THE ENDZONE, AND OVERALL IT WAS A FLESH-RIPPING BONE-RENDING TENDON-SNAPPING BUTTE-KICKING MEDICAL ATTENTION SEEKING GOOD TIMEIN HONOR OF THE HAHVAHD VICTORY, THE BAND NOW TAKES A STAB AT HAVAH[NEGILA]Ladies and Gentleman, please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band performs our National Anthem.[form stripes. play Banner.]

Half-Time

Ladies and Gentlemen, and CALVINISTS, back despite THE FELL CLUTCH OF CIRCUMSTANCE, the most FREE-WILLED band in the world, the Columbia University Marching BLUDGEONINGS OF CHANCE.[fanfare]featuring
J. William Ernest Henley, Invictus
J. Phi Epsilon Pi, Evicted
J. Pi Kappa Alpha, Exultantand
J. Alpha Epsilon Pi, Wandering in search of a homeland[fanfare]as well as admissions offers on the way out, minority enrollment figures on the way down, freshmen on the in and out, journalism hall on the up and up, Phi Ep on the out and out, Grandma's house on the over and through, the rabbit all around the tree, Barnard students not in and out, the Aeneid after the fact, Austin Quigley on the inside track, RORY WILFORK as an outside back, {...heretics on the torture rack...}, Kriss Kross with the Daddy Mack, George Rupp on an even keel, PI KAPPA ALPHA with the golden seal, John Jay without a decent meal, Ren� Descartes, h's oh-so-real, Congress killing Roosevel's New Deal, {...Christopher Reeve, man of steel...}, the new messiah--you're gonna heal, the Beatles reunion--you know you'll squeal, Bob Packwood, a slippery eel, Dr. Freud--how's that make you feel? J. your mother, full of appeal, PLATO'S TABLE--THE FORM IDEAL, I've got a Len Fine Chem book--it's quite a steal, a weepy song by Diamond, Neil, Orville Redenbacher on the under and gone, and now Who Owns New York?--it's quite a song. This announcer on the over and out--careful what you do, you wouldn't want gout.[who owns]With Pocahontas, Disney made its first foray into historical material. The next masterpiece will be a remake of "Gandhi," with Whoopi Goldberg as the sacred cow. The band, inspired by these offerings, would like to suggest a few ideas of our own for future historical opuses.The Band now forms Henry VIII and plays "I hear your screaming on the chopping block, but I need a male heir."[knocking]Recently it that the band received a second manifesto from the Unabomber, Enclosed was a note demanding that we read it here for you today or he would plant a bomb on Alma Mater. The Band, for one, thought Low Plaza could do with a little renovation. The Band now forms the Columbia University Crane (currently on College Walk) and plays, while retaining our journalistic integrity, "I couldn't get no satisfaction until The Washington Post realized the ad revenues involved."[form crane; play that Jagger Richards classic.]please rise as the marching band plays the Columbia College Alma Mater "Sans Souci."[play Sans Souci]